He asks,
"What have you done with my
future, what have you done
with your life?"
And I tell him that I have tried.
Ellie Weisel.
My son Andy turned 21. When he was born I received a candle that had a notch for every year to burn down to on his birthday for 21 years. I could not envision the day that I would light it for the last time. I burned it every year until there were years when heartache would strike so close to home that I would simply forget. I would always spend time burning it down to the correct number if I had missed a year, remembering that every year was important. As I pulled it out for the last time to burn to 21, I thought about all of those years. When he was born, someone told me, "Enjoy every age". I found something about every age that I could celebrate, Even at that delightful age of 13. Then I read the quote above from Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, Ellie Weisel. The future. What DID I do as a mother with the imperfections, frailties and sufferings of my own to give him a future? Even deeper in my heart was a troubling question ,what have I done with My life to create a better future for HIM?? Those two questions were infinitely intertwined.
Could I find an answer? I spent time today praying and seeking an answer from God and within myself. I came up with a surprisingly optimistic answer. The answer was the same as Ellie Weisel's. I tried. My answer to my son would be that my trying came from my being.
It was so important for me to love without condition. I envisioned a future for Andy that I knew was already in motion at birth, seeking to see him as an individual with infinite worth and passion for a life given to him from God.
I was honest, I hated lies and covering up the truth because of its own devastating effects on my life, and just because it was wrong. I sometimes shared the most painful details of life that I wish I could spare him from, but knowing that it would teach him that life is not perfect, but life goes on and it is our choice in how we deal with it.I would tell him people who do not suffer will fail to find compassion for others .
I wanted him to live in the world and learn about the worlds beyond his, To see and witness the beauty of other cultures and colors besides his own.
I gave him the joy of learning from others, knowing that I could not teach him everything, that the love and wisdom given to him by mentors would be valuable throughout his life, and I hoped that someday he would pay that forward.
Through my battles with my own personal demons, I realized that I had taught him to fight and never give up,even when you want to.
I can look back and see that what I feel is the most important thing I gave him were my prayers.For God to give me wisdom, because I lacked.That my actions would teach him more than my words. For God to place deep within him a passion to know, trust and follow Him with all of his heart, all of his days, even when nothing made sense.That God would cover my mistakes with His grace.
As I see my son turning his heart towards new places and experiences, as he walks forward into a life that I will watch from a distance (albeit I hope a close one in heart) I somehow feel that God has answered the prayers of a humble mother with many imperfections.Yes. I have tried, and may Andy's light burn brighter than any candle could with every year that passes.
